Dirty

Did you ever play the Sims game as a kid? I used to always play it on my PlayStation (I cheated and would get unlimited monies). Sometimes I would neglect my Sims and they would start to get really messy and I noticed their mood would be really depressed because of the mess. It was interesting how as soon as they walked into a dirty room, their mood would shoot down.

That’s how I feel when I’m in a depressed state of mind. Which is funny because my depression makes me not want to clean, and in turn being in a dirty room makes me more depressed. It’s hard trying to fight through it to actually get up and clean my room. I just fall into a funk and sometimes can’t get out of it.

But I try to think back to my Sims and how cleaning the room or opening the room up with some light from a window, made them feel so much better. I know it sounds silly to reference my life to a computer game, but I feel like it helps sometimes. My room looks like a hurricane went through it, but I’m slowly cleaning it up. I organized my desk last night and tonight I plan on organizing my closet.

I don’t even know why I have been feeling like this recently. It’s just something I deal with from time to time. It sucks but learning to live with it getting easier. And at least I know when I’m in my funk. Maybe one day they’ll make a medication that just gets rid of it for good (without the sickly side effects).

Kate

It’s so upsetting when someone decides to take their life. While they may leave notes behind, we’re never quite sure what exactly is going through their mind. For the people who say “money isn’t everything, depression isn’t picky”, well no shit. Mental illness doesn’t just say “oh, you have money? well shit, ill move on to the next poor person! mah bad!” That’s not how it works.

There are so many factors that cause someone to end their life. From what reports are saying in this case, it could have been her marriage falling apart. But even if that’s true, it’s no place for us to judge or comprehend why she did this if she “had everything”. People get into that dark space in their mind, and they just can’t crawl out of it.

When something like this happens, it’s always best to check in with the people that you love and just see how they’re doing. We’re reminded that life is so damn short and we take time for granted.

Also, check in with yourself. Have you been feeling like you’re in a negative space lately? Do something that makes you happy. Talk to someone who makes you feel better. Take a walk. Watch a movie. Listen to music. Cry. And if you still feel like nothing is working, try to see a professional.

If you’re an introvert, or just don’t like talking to people in person, try going to 7 cups. The website connects you with trained listeners, online therapists, and counselors. It’s free, anonymous, and confidential. All you do is text chat with those people.

If you would like to help, you can also sign up on the site to volunteer as a listener.

I hope that you all have a beautiful night, and just know I’m always here to listen.

RIP Kate Spade

Slowly turning…

Hey y’all!

I seriously need to try to stick with this blog because I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY!!! hahaha (nervous laughter). anywho, today i wanted to come on and just discuss the little funk I’ve been in recently. I’m not even sure if it’s a funk because I feel like it’s just some self loathing.

I’ve been so unhappy with myself lately, physically and mentally. I feel like my body has just given up. No matter what I do (diet + exercise), my body is still determined to one day turn into Jabba the Hut. That may be well and good for some but ideally, I would much rather look like slave Leia.

But, I also know I am not trying my hardest to eat healthy. To be honest, I’m mostly looking for the “quick fixes” and the easier ways to lose weight that don’t involve starving myself. I know that’s not healthy, and I really need to stop being so fucking lazy and go for a piece of fruit instead of a damn Oreo cookie (or 8).

So I took almost 2 weeks off from going to the gym, and tonight I decided to do a home HIIT workout (which totally kicked my butt). I am trying to get into a more positive frame of mind, because I know my negativity is probably feeding the inner Jabba the Hutt and is in no way helping my cause. Or maybe I can just go that route and start saying “Bring me Solo and the cookies!” No…no…let’s not.

Wish me luck. I’ll try to keep this thing updated with other random stuff going on in my life. Thanks for sticking around.

Holding On

When I was pregnant with Adam, I told myself I wouldn’t be the type of mother to let her kid sleep in their parents bed till the age of 10. When we brought him home from the hospital, the first night I put him right in his crib. When he woke up to eat that night, I brought him to the bed to feed him and fell asleep with him in my lap once he was done. After that night, I would bring him to the bed just to sleep next to him.

Once we moved to our next apartment, he got his own room and I got my bed back. We did really well, but I would still bring him to the bed from time to time. It was nice just having my baby sleeping next to me. When he got his “big boy” bed, he wanted to sleep with me less and less, and I was okay with that. Frankly I got tired of him taking up 90% of my King sized bed. Seriously, how do 3ft tall kids do that?

Since we moved into my moms house, Adam sleeps in his own room upstairs and I have the downstairs area to myself. I have gotten used to not sharing my bed with him and I enjoy not being kicked in the head throughout the night.

Recently, Adam has been asking to sleep in my bed. I know he mostly does it because I have Netflix and he enjoys the shows on there. I find myself becoming annoyed when he asks, but I give in and allow him to sleepover for the night. But tonight I told him he would have to sleep in his bed since I have to get ready to leave for San Diego in the morning. He was disappointed, but he said okay and went to sleep in his room.

About an hour later I was watching an episode of Black Mirror, and in the episode the mother was playing hide and seek with her 3 year old daughter. It just made me think; Adam won’t be young forever and rather than be selfish and want the bed to myself, I’d much rather spend time with him and watch movies. So I creeped upstairs, luckily he was still awake, and told him to come sleep in my room. He was so happy, he just jumped up and down. It made me smile.

Anywho, the moral to my long ass story is finally coming…hang on to the time you have with your kids. We remember our lives before being parents, but we’ve been in their lives from the beginning. They don’t know anything else. I want him to grow up remembering all the little things we did, and hopefully just the simple watching movies in bed will stick with him as good memories.

It will stick with me for the rest of my life.

Why I Quit My Job

Are-Kids-Getting-Too-Much-Homework

I think I wrote last month that my work place was going through some changes, but here’s a recap. Basically my department was going to transition into being run by another company, not strange in the medical field I guess, but it was scary. We had heard rumors from the beginning that we would be laid off, but the big head execs reassured us that NOBODY was being let go. Well fast forward to early November, and they laid off about 15 of us. The whole thing was horrible since we all assumed we were transitioning to the new company together. The blatant lies coming from our CEO, HR, and other supervisors was so unprofessional and the whole process was handled so poorly.

I was one of the lucky ones to keep my job, although they had made it very apparent that my position was not needed and I got the feeling they would eventually get rid of me. I took it as a sign I needed to just bide my time and start looking for work elsewhere. I was willing to do just that and stick it out for as long as I could. In reality, I just needed to wait it out until August since my son was going to the daycare on site and would be starting Kindergarten in August. That was the ONLY reason I was going to wait it out, I had nobody else to watch him and the daycare was so close.

Well the week before D-day (we were officially switching over January 1st) the company decided to implement a new program throughout the whole hospital. This was their selling point, that it would make the nurses and pharmacists lives so much easier. Well, needless to say things did not go swimmingly. They had no communication with the hospital about when this program was going to go live, and the day it did everyone was confused. So, they tried to blame me. They said that because I did not send out the meeting minutes from the previous week (day before Christmas weekend), that it was my fault their was no communication between the nursing staff and pharmacy.

I just looked at him and explained that this is not my area of expertise and normally the director (his position) or whoever was heading the program would send out an email to the staff letting them know what was going to happen. I had no idea how the program worked and my meeting minutes are only sent internally to our department, it is not used as a memo to the entire hospital. He just looked at me and said “No, the communication issue is because you didn’t send out the minutes. That’s why this is going so badly.”

So, after talking it over with my mom, I cleaned out my desk and told my coworkers that the following day would be my last. I was not going to be their scapegoat for the next 8 months and put my wellbeing at jeopard. Luckily for me, since we were no longer a part of the hospital and were technically being “laid off” on December 31st, I just said I wasn’t transitioning and was labeled as being laid off. I left my notice on their desks along with my badges Friday afternoon. They didnt see it until Tuesday morning, and I gotta admit I did feel kind of badass just walking out of there. It was my little f*ck you to them for treating us so poorly those last few months.

Now I am just focusing on spending time with Adam and hopefully going to get back into school. I would love for this year to be a turning point in my photography career but I am leaving that up to the big man upstairs. My coworker told me he was happy I was sticking up for myself (he was one of the ones to be let go in November) and he said that when things like this happen, it always turns out for the better. So I have to hold on to that hope that something good will come out of this.

2018 will be a year of positive growth. I just know it.