Things Are Getting Dark & Twisty

I’ve gone to the dark place. I don’t exactly know how I got here, or why I’m here…but here I am. It’s a funny thing to try to explain; being in the dark place. One minute I feel just fine, but then it’s almost like in an instant I am sucked back into the darkest crevices of my mind. Simple tasks become so challenging, conversations become meaningless, my hobbies are tossed to the side, and sleep feels like a warm blanket that I just want to lay in forever.

This is what my depression feels like to me. Trying to explain to people exactly what is going on, feels as complicated as me trying to explain quantum physics (which I have no knowledge of). In fact it’s almost physically exhausting trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Whenever someone asks “what’s wrong” and I respond with “I don’t know,” it’s not that I am being difficult or I don’t want to talk about it; I just really have no idea why I am in that mood.

I have some amazing friends who can easily spot the signs when I am in the dark place. What I need them to understand is I don’t always want to talk about it. It can be as simple as me just wanting to cry for hours; and I will, out of nowhere it seems. Often times when I say I just want to be alone, what I really want is to be around other people. But I won’t tell them that, it seems stupid and I don’t know why I don’t tell them. Sometimes I just simply need a hug, or just an “I am here for you.” It takes me time to open up and I honestly hate doing it because I feel like I am bothering them with my issues. To me I feel like I sound like I am just crying for attention, or that I am wasting their time by talking about it. I know I’m probably not and that they really want to help, but the dark place tells me otherwise.

I know I’ll get over it soon. It seems to be a trend around May when I start to reach the peak of what my depression has to offer, and then I slowly go back to being normal. I normally don’t spot the signs until I am already deep into it. It’s something that I live with every day and I can’t just “get over it,” and it has taken me years to get to this point where I can finally accept it for what it is and just try to live my life as best I can. So for now I will be in the dark place.

Thank you for understanding.

Photography Fun

I love taking days off and just spending them running around the city taking pictures. Usually I bring a friend along so they can model for me. They’re sometimes hesitant due to being “camera shy” but I coax them into doing it anyways.

My lovely friend Vanessa and I took a little trip to the Los Angeles Arboretum in Arcadia. We took a few photos of her niece for her 1st birthday, and then went on to take some more photos of just her and I. I love taking photos of her because she looks good on camera; and because she lets me boss her around. 

Stress and All It’s Friends

Do you ever find yourself so stressed out that you think you may be on the verge of a major meltdown; Britney Spears circa 2007 anyone? Well put that razor down ladies and gentlemen, and don’t go sacrificing your gorgeous hair just yet! I know we all may have our moments where we find ourselves between a rock and a hard place, but trust me there is a way out! Here are some things you can do to bring your stress levels down:
1. Exercise

I know this isn’t the most ideal thing to do, especially if you love eating pizza and donuts all the time like this girl right here. But try putting on some of your favorite tunes (highly suggest Eye of the Tiger by Survivor), grab some weights, and do some quick jabs. Picture the person, place, or thing that is stressing you out the most and just pretend like you’re punching it. You might make yourself giggle a little with how good it feels.

2. Keep a Journal

Writing can help so much with letting out what is really bothering you. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a hand written journal, an online diary will do just as fine. Maybe try creating an email account where you can send yourself emails when you’re feeling the most stressed. But if you’re feeling a little like the hulk that day, try to take it easy on the keyboard.

3. Pet a small animal

If you don’t have any pets, go visit your local animal shelter and give those little guys some love. It will definitely brighten both of your days.

4. Go to the Beach

If you don’t live by a beach, go to a hilltop, or somewhere secluded. Sit on a blanket and watch the sunset and just remember that there are people in worse situations. You will have better days soon. Take a deep breath and remember that.

5. Yoga/Meditation

Having done yoga and meditation for a few months now I find myself calming down more easily when put in a situation where I could indeed become the hulk. After doing a yoga or meditation session your mind just feels so much more at ease. I love to do it right before bed because it just puts you in a much better mood.

Just remember that good things will come. Keep a positive attitude and try not to let things get to you.

Weekend Recap

Saturday morning, my mom, brother, and I set off on a little road trip to Las Vegas. We left around 10am but didn’t get there until about 5:30pm. We made some stops to eat and to shop at the Barstow and Primm outlets. I didn’t do as much shopping as I would have liked to; but that was mainly due to the fact that I really wanted to gamble once we got to Vegas. 


Once we got in the hotel room, we rested for about a half hour before we started getting ready to leave once again. We were going to see Journey at The Joint in the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino. This would be my sixth or seventh time seeing Journey perform. It’s been a tradition, since my dad passed, to see them everytime they’re in concert because that was his favorite band. ​​

Journey always puts on a fantastic show but it’s this song in particular that always gets me choked up. There are few videos I have of my dad, but one that I have is of him singing to this song Escape. It’s also inspiration as to what my next tattoo will be. 

After the show we went and ate a late dinner at Pinks Tacos. I ordered their nachos and a “Kinky Bitch” margarita. The nachos were so good and I wish I had taken a picture of them before I started gobbling them up. 

Once we got back to our hotel, my brother and I stayed in the casino to gamble a bit. I WAS winning money, but then got greedy and ended up losing it all. It’s not too bad though, I only put in $20 so it wasn’t much of a loss. I would’ve walked away with almost $100…so that was a bit disappointing. 

We left early Sunday morning since the weather report said that 30-40mph winds would be kicking up around 8am. We managed to leave before the winds kicked in, which is great because I probably would have had an anxiety attack. 

Overall it was a nice quick little trip with my family. I will be going back to Vegas in 3 months to see Lady Gaga perform at the T-mobile arena. I am so excited for that because the next day we’ll be traveling up to the Grand Canyon. I can’t wait for that!

10 Things You Might Not Know About Me

  1. Strawberries are my favorite fruit
  2. I am a huge Potterhead
  3. New York is my favorite city that I have visited
  4. During high school, I was on the badminton team
  5. I have 2 pet pigs
  6. Hugh Grant was my MCM when I was a kid (and still is)
  7. My favorite food is Sushi
  8. I was bit on the face by a dog, on two separate occasions, requiring a total of 10 stitches
  9. For my 18th birthday, I sang “Maps” by the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs in front of my entire senior class
  10. I used to write poetry and song lyrics

Do You Even Yoga Bro?

A few months ago, I discovered that my anxiety and depression had really hit its peak, and I felt as if I was running out of options on how to cope with it. I have high functioning anxiety and bi polar depression disorder. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I know it’s not my fault and its just something that I have lived with since I was a teenager. But recently, due to added stress in my personal and work life, it got to be this terrible monster that kept attacking me every day. I wasn’t really sure what to do or how to ease it, and after doing some research, I had found a little solution. Yoga.

In the past I had done yoga or meditation sporadically. I did it a lot more when I was pregnant because I had been going through a lot of emotions (and the added hormones didn’t help) that made me very angry and just downright sad at times. The yoga would help me calm down and just clear my head of all the negativity I had floating in my head. The focus on just your breathing and soothing music really helped relax me. I did it not just for myself, but for the little bean I had growing in my belly. I didn’t want all my negative energy to be passed to him, and I didn’t want him to be born stressed out.

Now, I am in no means a yoga expert and probably have no idea what I am talking about to be honest. I just wanted to express how much it has helped me when I am feeling anxious or “feeling down”. It might have different results for others, but this is just based off my experience. Try it out. It doesn’t have to just be if you feel anxious or stressed. It is a great exercise and can be done after your daily work out.

 

Namaste.