As children, we never really think about our parents dying; we think our parents are invincible and going to live forever. Some of us, unfortunately, lose a parent at very young ages. Other’s are lucky enough to have their parents in their lives until they have reached an old age. I was fortunate enough to have my dad in my life for 21 years. I was also not prepared to lose my dad 13 days after I turned 21.
My dad and I were exactly the same; looks and personality-wise. He used to tell me, “Melis, I’m ugly and you look just like me.” I used to reply, “well at least I’m smarter.” He would always joke around with me, even going as far as to run up and fart on me. But, since we’re so much alike, we would butt heads…A LOT. My dad was a very stubborn man, and I am a very stubborn woman. We had very big tempers that would drive us to have some very big arguments.
Of course during my teenage angsty years, I felt like anything I did just wasn’t good enough for him. I constantly felt like I was fucking up and not living up to his expectations. I rebelled and was always threatening to leave and never come back. But, now being an adult, I know he meant well and just wanted me to do good in school. He was just being a dad, and it only made sense after I became a parent. I knew my dad loved me with all his heart; I was his little girl after all.
Losing my dad, was and has been the hardest thing I have ever lived through. It’ll be 6 years on May 13th since he left. It happened so quickly that I honestly thought he was going to pull through. Having to say goodbye broke my heart. I still have trouble accepting the fact that he is gone and never coming back. He was my rock. In my eyes, there was nothing my dad couldn’t do. I still miss him, as much as I missed him since the first day without him.
While we were saying our goodbyes to my dad in the hospital, I whispered in his ear that it was okay to go. I promised that I would take care of my brother and my mom, and he would have nothing to worry about. I told him we would be okay. My dad was in a medically induced coma when I said this, but after I kissed him on his cheek I looked and saw a tear trickle from his eye. It broke my heart because I knew he was fighting. I knew he didn’t want to leave us. But, the damage was too much for his body to handle.
I think that, even after these years, I am still very angry at what happened. But I also know that certain things in my life would be very different right now. I have grown up a lot since the passing of my father. I can only hope that I continue to make him proud. I miss him like hell. But wherever he is, I know he’s making people laugh with his stupid jokes. I know he’s probably being extra loud when a Dodger game is on. And I know that he is always watching over my son.
I miss you Papa Tom 🖤