Things Are Getting Dark & Twisty

I’ve gone to the dark place. I don’t exactly know how I got here, or why I’m here…but here I am. It’s a funny thing to try to explain; being in the dark place. One minute I feel just fine, but then it’s almost like in an instant I am sucked back into the darkest crevices of my mind. Simple tasks become so challenging, conversations become meaningless, my hobbies are tossed to the side, and sleep feels like a warm blanket that I just want to lay in forever.

This is what my depression feels like to me. Trying to explain to people exactly what is going on, feels as complicated as me trying to explain quantum physics (which I have no knowledge of). In fact it’s almost physically exhausting trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Whenever someone asks “what’s wrong” and I respond with “I don’t know,” it’s not that I am being difficult or I don’t want to talk about it; I just really have no idea why I am in that mood.

I have some amazing friends who can easily spot the signs when I am in the dark place. What I need them to understand is I don’t always want to talk about it. It can be as simple as me just wanting to cry for hours; and I will, out of nowhere it seems. Often times when I say I just want to be alone, what I really want is to be around other people. But I won’t tell them that, it seems stupid and I don’t know why I don’t tell them. Sometimes I just simply need a hug, or just an “I am here for you.” It takes me time to open up and I honestly hate doing it because I feel like I am bothering them with my issues. To me I feel like I sound like I am just crying for attention, or that I am wasting their time by talking about it. I know I’m probably not and that they really want to help, but the dark place tells me otherwise.

I know I’ll get over it soon. It seems to be a trend around May when I start to reach the peak of what my depression has to offer, and then I slowly go back to being normal. I normally don’t spot the signs until I am already deep into it. It’s something that I live with every day and I can’t just “get over it,” and it has taken me years to get to this point where I can finally accept it for what it is and just try to live my life as best I can. So for now I will be in the dark place.

Thank you for understanding.

Do You Even Yoga Bro?

A few months ago, I discovered that my anxiety and depression had really hit its peak, and I felt as if I was running out of options on how to cope with it. I have high functioning anxiety and bi polar depression disorder. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I know it’s not my fault and its just something that I have lived with since I was a teenager. But recently, due to added stress in my personal and work life, it got to be this terrible monster that kept attacking me every day. I wasn’t really sure what to do or how to ease it, and after doing some research, I had found a little solution. Yoga.

In the past I had done yoga or meditation sporadically. I did it a lot more when I was pregnant because I had been going through a lot of emotions (and the added hormones didn’t help) that made me very angry and just downright sad at times. The yoga would help me calm down and just clear my head of all the negativity I had floating in my head. The focus on just your breathing and soothing music really helped relax me. I did it not just for myself, but for the little bean I had growing in my belly. I didn’t want all my negative energy to be passed to him, and I didn’t want him to be born stressed out.

Now, I am in no means a yoga expert and probably have no idea what I am talking about to be honest. I just wanted to express how much it has helped me when I am feeling anxious or “feeling down”. It might have different results for others, but this is just based off my experience. Try it out. It doesn’t have to just be if you feel anxious or stressed. It is a great exercise and can be done after your daily work out.

 

Namaste.