Things Are Getting Dark & Twisty

I’ve gone to the dark place. I don’t exactly know how I got here, or why I’m here…but here I am. It’s a funny thing to try to explain; being in the dark place. One minute I feel just fine, but then it’s almost like in an instant I am sucked back into the darkest crevices of my mind. Simple tasks become so challenging, conversations become meaningless, my hobbies are tossed to the side, and sleep feels like a warm blanket that I just want to lay in forever.

This is what my depression feels like to me. Trying to explain to people exactly what is going on, feels as complicated as me trying to explain quantum physics (which I have no knowledge of). In fact it’s almost physically exhausting trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Whenever someone asks “what’s wrong” and I respond with “I don’t know,” it’s not that I am being difficult or I don’t want to talk about it; I just really have no idea why I am in that mood.

I have some amazing friends who can easily spot the signs when I am in the dark place. What I need them to understand is I don’t always want to talk about it. It can be as simple as me just wanting to cry for hours; and I will, out of nowhere it seems. Often times when I say I just want to be alone, what I really want is to be around other people. But I won’t tell them that, it seems stupid and I don’t know why I don’t tell them. Sometimes I just simply need a hug, or just an “I am here for you.” It takes me time to open up and I honestly hate doing it because I feel like I am bothering them with my issues. To me I feel like I sound like I am just crying for attention, or that I am wasting their time by talking about it. I know I’m probably not and that they really want to help, but the dark place tells me otherwise.

I know I’ll get over it soon. It seems to be a trend around May when I start to reach the peak of what my depression has to offer, and then I slowly go back to being normal. I normally don’t spot the signs until I am already deep into it. It’s something that I live with every day and I can’t just “get over it,” and it has taken me years to get to this point where I can finally accept it for what it is and just try to live my life as best I can. So for now I will be in the dark place.

Thank you for understanding.

Photography Fun

I love taking days off and just spending them running around the city taking pictures. Usually I bring a friend along so they can model for me. They’re sometimes hesitant due to being “camera shy” but I coax them into doing it anyways.

My lovely friend Vanessa and I took a little trip to the Los Angeles Arboretum in Arcadia. We took a few photos of her niece for her 1st birthday, and then went on to take some more photos of just her and I. I love taking photos of her because she looks good on camera; and because she lets me boss her around. 

10 Things You Might Not Know About Me

  1. Strawberries are my favorite fruit
  2. I am a huge Potterhead
  3. New York is my favorite city that I have visited
  4. During high school, I was on the badminton team
  5. I have 2 pet pigs
  6. Hugh Grant was my MCM when I was a kid (and still is)
  7. My favorite food is Sushi
  8. I was bit on the face by a dog, on two separate occasions, requiring a total of 10 stitches
  9. For my 18th birthday, I sang “Maps” by the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs in front of my entire senior class
  10. I used to write poetry and song lyrics

Losing My Dad

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As children, we never really think about our parents dying; we think our parents are invincible and going to live forever. Some of us, unfortunately, lose a parent at very young ages. Other’s are lucky enough to have their parents in their lives until they have reached an old age. I was fortunate enough to have my dad in my life for 21 years. I was also not prepared to lose my dad 13 days after I turned 21.

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My dad and I were exactly the same; looks and personality-wise. He used to tell me, “Melis, I’m ugly and you look just like me.” I used to reply, “well at least I’m smarter.” He would always joke around with me, even going as far as to run up and fart on me. But, since we’re so much alike, we would butt heads…A LOT. My dad was a very stubborn man, and I am a very stubborn woman. We had very big tempers that would drive us to have some very big arguments.

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Of course during my teenage angsty years, I felt like anything I did just wasn’t good enough for him. I constantly felt like I was fucking up and not living up to his expectations. I rebelled and was always threatening to leave and never come back. But, now being an adult, I know he meant well and just wanted me to do good in school. He was just being a dad, and it only made sense after I became a parent. I knew my dad loved me with all his heart; I was his little girl after all.

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Losing my dad, was and has been the hardest thing I have ever lived through. It’ll be 6 years on May 13th since he left. It happened so quickly that I honestly thought he was going to pull through. Having to say goodbye broke my heart. I still have trouble accepting the fact that he is gone and never coming back. He was my rock. In my eyes, there was nothing my dad couldn’t do. I still miss him, as much as I missed him since the first day without him.

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While we were saying our goodbyes to my dad in the hospital, I whispered in his ear that it was okay to go. I promised that I would take care of my brother and my mom, and he would have nothing to worry about. I told him we would be okay. My dad was in a medically induced coma when I said this, but after I kissed him on his cheek I looked and saw a tear trickle from his eye. It broke my heart because I knew he was fighting. I knew he didn’t want to leave us. But, the damage was too much for his body to handle.IMG_6368

I think that, even after these years, I am still very angry at what happened. But I also know that certain things in my life would be very different right now. I have grown up a lot since the passing of my father. I can only hope that I continue to make him proud. I miss him like hell. But wherever he is, I know he’s making people laugh with his stupid jokes. I know he’s probably being extra loud when a Dodger game is on. And I know that he is always watching over my son. Screen Shot 2017-05-10 at 8.34.52 PM

I miss you Papa Tom 🖤

Women Who Inspire Me: My Mom

So I know that Wednesday’s are reserved for our “women crushes”, but I thought I would switch it up and change it to women who have inspired me, and continue to inspire me. Considering Mother’s Day is this Sunday, I felt the first woman I should talk about is my own mother.

My mom had me at the tender age of 21. She had been with my dad since they were 16, and got married a few weeks before I blessed their lives. Almost 3 years after I was born, my parents gave birth to my brother (one day after their 3rd wedding anniversary). I have to say, for being a young mom; my mother did one hell of a job raising two kids so close in age.

I remember growing up; it wasn’t always easy for my parents. They had their struggles, their conflicts, and hardships. No matter what though, they always made sure to have the necessities for my brother and I. My mom made sure to take us on little outings whenever she could and (mostly for my brother) bought us little treats whenever we would accompany her to the market. We weren’t spoiled; but she always made sure that “Santa” gave us something off our Christmas wish list and tried to give us our “must haves” on our birthdays.

When I was 21, we lost my dad in a fatal motorcycle accident. It destroyed my mom’s world, and as much as I was grieving; I couldn’t even imagine what she was going through. This was someone who had been in her life for 25 years. There were days she would just lock herself in her room and not talk to my brother or I. We tried our best to keep her positive, but I knew it wasn’t enough. If I had the power, I would have reversed time just for her. 

Now here we are, going on 6 years without my dad and my mom still gets out of bed every morning. I honestly don’t know how she does it, but she likes to credit my brother and I for giving her the strength to get up. Having my son seemed to have brought the light back into her life. As much as I miss my dad, I know if it had been the other way around, I wouldn’t have both my parents today. My dad depended so much on my mom and her strength that I don’t think he would have handled her leaving before him.

My mom does so much for my brother and I, and I honestly don’t know how I could possibly thank her. She is always putting her wants/needs to the side just for us. It makes me very happy that I can honestly say my mom is my best friend. I may not tell her everything, but I know I can talk to her about anything.

I love you mom.

This is Exhausting 

“This could be the end of everything, so why don’t we go, somewhere only we know.”
It seems that in our lives we allow in only a certain number of people to truly see us in our most vulnerable state of minds. We categorize those people as our best friends, significant others, and our family. But what do we do when that specific relationship is no longer benefiting our well-being? Do we walk away from years of commitment and hard work? Or do we stay, and constantly try to make things work, knowing that things are not the same as they were?

I feel like for the last year or two I have been struggling with walking away from a friendship with someone who I came to consider as one of my closest, if not the closest friend in my life. This person was there for me through some of the biggest chapters in my life, and I was there for some of theirs. We did so much together and were constantly in contact with each other on a daily basis.

But, like most friendships, we got busy in our lives and started to drift apart. It wasn’t so much the drifting apart that bothered me; it was the one way street I was put on trying to get in touch with them. There were always rain checks and excuses, and silence for months on end. Each time I told myself this would be the last time I would attempt to reconnect, but then they would show up to some social gathering and act like nothing had happened. It would bother me, but to be truthful I was just happy to see them again. I would be so angry and hurt at their behavior, but once we started talking I would realize how much I had missed them and wanted to fill them in on everything that was going on. But once we parted ways, I was put back on that one lane highway in our relationship.

I’ve decided that I’m getting off the highway. It seems that my effort is not enough for this person, and I’m really just exhausted from continuously trying. It’s been pretty apparent for the past year and I think I have just accepted that, it is what it is. I cannot force things upon anyone or try to coax them into wanting to be in my life. I can reminisce on the good times we shared, and I will always keep those memories close to my heart. But for now, it’s time to say goodbye.

#Blondie

blonde Going blonde has been on my mind for the last couple of years now. I’ll admit I was a little nervous taking the plunge and going bleach crazy once again on my poor hair. But, I can honestly say that I am loving life as a blonde and I really don’t think I will be going back anytime soon.

About 6 years ago, I was going through a “break” in my then relationship, and being the little dramatic girl that I am, I decided to do something crazy and change my hairstyle…drastically. My friend and I had decided that we both wanted to be blondes, So, without any prior bleaching/cosmetology knowledge, we went ahead and DIY’d ourselves to being blonde.

I wish I could say that things went well, and if you were to ask 20 year old me I would probably tell you that I loved it (even though I was secretly sobbing on the2011 me inside). My mom had helped me bleach it, and I remember getting out of the shower and wanting to burst into tears because my hair was ORANGE! See, I should have done my research because then I would have known that I needed a toner to cool down the brassiness.

Well, I knew I couldn’t go to work with orange hair, so the very next day…we bleached it AGAIN. I know…it’s even hard to think about what I did to my hair. My hair didn’t stand a chance. After the bleaching I went to target and bought some champagne blonde hair dye that KIND OF helped it. Sure you might think it looks good in this photo, but this is just a lot of photo editing and good filters. If you look closely, you can see my hair getting ready to fall off and latch onto a broomstick set for Hogwarts.

Long story short, blonde 20 year old me didn’t last long (maybe about a month). Once my boyfriend and I got back together, I dyed my hair as close to my natural color and chopped it all off. Side note: I didn’t do it BECAUSE we got back together, I did it because my hair was dead and it started to turn orange, yellow, and had some hints of green in it. My poor hair had gone through hell and back, and I decided not to do anything else to it for a very long time. But the blonde inside me was always trying to get back out there and see if she could have more fun than my brunette self.

I took the safer route this time and sought out professional help. My hair isn’t as damaged as I thought I would be (happy dance for my hair), and I am really enjoying it now. As I have grown older I have learned the steps to taking better care of my hair and thats what I am doing now. I’ll let you guys knows which products I am using to keep this blonde hair shiny and soft.

Now, lets go see if that old saying about blondes having more fun is true 😉